Who this letter is not for: It is not directed at those I “talked” to, “hung out” with, went on A date with, texted furiously for a while, or referred to as my boyfriend for a time. It is for those that left a lasting impression on the relational part of my soul. I may not know what love is, but some of you got pretty darn close to tapping into it. This is about you.
I could just say I’m sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Im sorry I was selfish, Im sorry we couldn’t just fix it, Im sorry I hurt you. Chalk it up to bad timing and write it off. However, that would make for a pathetically short read that would leave little to no impression. Without an explanation, I’m sorry is just two words strung together. So instead, i’ll lay it all on the table.
Let me start with what I’m not sorry for. I am not sorry for allowing myself to be selfish for a time. Were there times when I was unjustifiably self-centered? Absolutely. Add it to the list of things that make me flawed. But I refuse to be sorry for thinking of myself. Because I am in my early twenties. Because I am trying on different futures. Because I am a unique individual that must learn to love solitude: to enjoy my own company. Too many times we, as hopeless romantics, think we are missing a piece of us. That the goal of our time here on Earth is to find Waldo. But what if the goal is to fill that empty space with more of you? The you that takes time to discover… maybe a lifetime. So I am not sorry for wanting to love me. Because without loving me, I will never be able to love the future yous.
I’m not sorry that it didn’t work out. Now here is where I feel the need to add a footnote. I am sorry for many of the reasons it did not work out. I am still sorry for the way I sabotage many good things in my life. I am sorry for causing you to hurt, and I should be held accountable for that. I’m sorry I was a pain in the ass, overly dramatic, and pushed your buttons just to push them. I’m also sorry I tried to fix your problems. Because somehow they looked easier to conquer than my own. Less messy, with a clear cut solution. It was the pot calling the kettle black… I’m good at being the pot. Anyways, I owe you those two words, I’m sorry, strung together from an earnest place in my heart. But I’m not sorry that it did end. Because hurt as it might to turn pages, the story only gets better. For both of us. Whether that means we end up together, or that God has some far greater love in store for each of us, I don’t know. But I’m excited for the possibilities.
I also want to go to the opposite end of the spectrum here, and say thank you. Thank you for leaving me. Now whether it was you, me, or a “mutual” decision…I’m gonna give you credit on this one. I want to tell you how grateful I am, Because I couldn’t be alone. I liked to think I could be, but “the opportunity just hadn’t presented itself.” That was the saddest lie. Truth be told, I wasn’t quite happy with me, (if I even knew who that was,) and being left alone with her wasn’t something I was willing to do. So thank you for taking that crutch from me. I have lonely days, but those are getting fewer. I also have really good days. Where I find that I like my own company. That I’m actually not so bad after all. (As I’m sure you would respectfully disagree with, from what you remember..) Thank you for forcing me to experience self respect.
Lastly, thank you for taking away an idol of mine. (You didn’t think I would actually get through an entire blog without mentioning my God, did you?) It’s so much easier to love someone you can see and hold. A tangible someone to experience life with. But they say where your thoughts are, there your heart will be also. And for me, that meant it was with you. Each of you. I subconsciously asked God to switch seats with you… setting us up to fail from the start. Some of the people I admire most in the world separated themselves from dating completely in order to press into the complete love of Jesus. Although I consider many of them much stronger than I, I have found most of my spiritual growth takes place when I do not have a boyfriend to fall back on. Does this mean I will never date again? Absolutely not, do you know me? It just means that now I won’t be looking for Divine love in a human. You couldn’t meet my expectations because I was longing for the unconditional, immeasurable love of a Savior. I may not be able to see him, but I can feel his great love… and it wins every time. Going forward I will still look for relational love, I am human after all. But this time, I think I’ll keep you in your assigned seat… below Jesus.
I say all of this to end here: I don’t hold anything against you. Easily said, harder to believe. Sure, sometimes I want to punch you in the face. But that’s a side effect of love; residual feelings. More than that, I am grateful that it can only get better from here. Growth spurts are rarely painless, but so very worth it.