26 Lessons From 26 Years

Liquor before beer does not mean you are in the clear.
Don’t eat anything that has been in your fridge for over a week. (Your immune system may be strong, but so is Salmonella.)
It is far better to be lonely for a time, than to be unable to be alone.
Your mom was right, nothing good happens after midnight.
Sometimes, a night out is worth a less than perfect test score.
Cover your baby boy’s penis when changing his diaper EVERY time… or you will be amazed at the fire power.
Breast milk does not come out in one steady stream…it shoots out like a shower head on full blast.
While we’re on the subject, breast milk is supposed to be good for everything. So, if (read:when) you get it on your baby’s face/head…just rub that ish in. Same goes for anywhere else it may end up.
There are literally SO many things that taste better than skinny feels.
Spanx leggings are worth every penny. You just can’t put a price on that compression (or you can, and it’s 99 dollars). Link at the bottom of the post!
Comparison is the thief of joy. Social media is also the thief of joy, if you let it. Slow your scroll.
A bob (even a long one) does not look good on an oval-shaped face. Trust me.
There will be people that don’t think you are worth investing in. Spend less time trying to convince them, and more time finding those that don’t have to be convinced.
You will spend half of your life buying hair ties, bobby pins, baby socks, and pacifiers. Someone needs to invent trackers for each of these allusive objects. (Copyright.)
There will be many days that you feel like a shitty mom. The fact that you even have these feelings is a pretty good indicator that you’re doing a great job.
You have roughly 24 hours before things in the washer start to smell moldy. Set a timer.
Be sure you aren’t “Replying All” to company-wide emails. (Same goes for texting…double check your recipient.)
Kids eat free at O’Charleys, and they have free pie Wednesdays. It’s almost too good to be true (it also almost makes up for the fact that the food is sub par at best).
Marriage is 78% deciding what you want for dinner, and 28% finding your husbands “lost” items in very obvious places.
Getting a dog doesn’t help you prepare for having a baby: it is frowned upon to put your infant in a cage with a bowl of water.
You are never too old for Spongebob Squarepants
Everyone is the protagonist of his or her own story. We all walk around paying very little attention to each other. Keep that in mind before putting words about yourself in someone’s mouth. Chances are, it has nothing to do with you.
Not everything that comes to your mind needs to come out of your mouth. (LOL still working on this one)
You are not perfect. You will not reach perfection in this lifetime. The more you strive for it, the more perfect moments you will miss out on.
It matters which mascara you choose. (Benefit Cosmetics for LIFE.) It should also be replaced every 2-3 months… who knew.
Sticks and stones may break my bones… but words hurt WAY worse. Watch what you say.