The tides of change

I HATE change. Being a creature of habit, I love schedules, routines, and organization. I am THAT girl who gets genuinely giddy picking out a new planner, highlighters, and sticky notes to plan my life. So you may be asking yourself, for someone who loves the world to be perfectly in order.. Why in hell did I choose to become a nurse? And the best answer I can give you?… I have not the slightest idea. 

My sophomore year in high school I knew I wanted to go to Auburn. I had never visited Auburn, did not have any family or friends who were alumni, and only knew one person who went to Auburn… I just woke up one day and knew that’s where I would go. I have to call it a God thing, because it turned out to be the best change in my life. But I was terrified. I remember sobbing the night before the big move, begging my parents to let me stay and go to a college close by. They didn’t, of course, and I went to Auburn and adjusted. I LOVE Auburn and cherish my years spent there. I needed to get pushed out of the square I’d drawn around myself to organize my life. I had gotten too comfortable.

The same thing happened when I decided to be a nurse. I didn’t take any nursing classes in high school, even when they were offered, but one day decided that’s what I would be. To say I never second guessed that decision would be a lie. In nursing school I started making a few B’s mixed in with A’s…. I was used to all A’s. (Remember the anxiety/overachiever post from last week?) I was being challenged to think outside of a yes or no answer. To look beyond the textbook and critically think about the WHY to the what. Once again, I fought this change every step of the way. Wanting to give up, doubting myself, and having one too many meltdowns. And guess what? I lived to tell about it. Not just that, but I did pretty well. Are we starting to see a pattern here? Getting too comfortable in life leads to stagnation and missed opportunities. Although I want to organize everything, life is fully of unpredictable people do unpredictable things. My nightmare.

Becoming a “real” nurse with a “real” big girl job was the biggest change of all. Imagine that you are the new parent of six children, all in different rooms, and all sick. Your spouse is out of town, and your kids can’t do anything on their own. Each one needs a different thing, all at the same time usually, and you cannot put anything off. Wanna pull out your hair yet? It’s a wonder I still have any on my head. Now I know that there are many, MANY other jobs that are equally and even more difficult than mine, but I am just trying to drive the point home that this was a big change for me. People in a hospital do everything at warp speed, and to think you can walk right in and be a rockstar at time management and organization is super delusional. But don’t you want to be great? I wanted so bad to walk into my new job and be the best nurse there ever was. And maybe one day I will be. But I’m not there yet. It’s as if the Lord waits until I’m perfectly comfortable with my routine, then rocks my world. He’s funny like that. And although I am still overwhelmed by the chaos of my big girl life, I know that this too shall pass. We are each part of a plan that we can’t see. Like looking too closely at a huge mural painting. When your nose is touching the painting, you can’t see the whole thing. It doesn’t look like anything to you. But every so often you get a glimpse of the whole thing…And holy moly is it beautiful. I know in my heart that God called me to be a nurse. And I know that he has had to nudge me to every major change in my life. I also know that little compares to how it feels to me to be a healing presence in a patient’s life. To feel like I’m slowly starting to fulfill my purpose on this big Earth. I say all of this to say, hang in there. If you are in a transition phase like me, or any change really, hold on to the hands that haven’t let you go a day in your life. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I don’t even know what that means really or why I care about Rome, but growth takes time.

A thought to leave you with: Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. We can be pretty brutal as our own worst critics. I have to constantly remind myself that I was beautifully and wonderfully made. My CREATOR is perfect, I am NOT perfect. I will never be. But doing the best I can is enough, I am enough.

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